I used to be a cold hearted person, hated pink and anything girly. Before I met God, men used me & abused me to the point where I thought only pain came from that. I contemplated women coming into my life in that area, but couldn’t imagine having a relationship with a girl, so I just didn’t have any interest in relationships or romantic love at all. I felt unable to love romantically. And then I met God and he softened my heart so I could feel, and love, and use it again. The scenarios I play in my head after I’m married to the most beautiful man on the planet are simple. I like flowers and extravagant gestures and all the things little and large that ultimately occur because it was all meant to show “I love you.” First, the proposal. Ever since I was a little girl, and I’m no dreamer of my future wedding day kinda girl like the movies have them portrayed, I thought about all the totally awesome dude ways of proposing. I suppose you could say I never thought about it being me who was getting proposed to, but that it was just super cool to have so many actually thoughtful ways to have planned for a special moment. And, then it occurred to me: I don’t want that to end. You get married, and the movies makes that seem like the end to a wonderful romance. Well, if that’s so, then I’m moving because dating is painful. You have this person in your life so close you can taste it! But, you can’t actually nab the goods until marriage, if you’ve decided to wait, of course. For me, we have, sometime it feels like unfortunately, decided to wait. To be honest? That verse in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 7:8-9 that says, “Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” Oh, good God, I am burning with passion. That is why I can’t focus sometimes. Thoughts of holding hands or kissing get a hold of me and - bam! I want to be married not for all the other good things that I actually want to be married for, but for the gracious gift of S-E-X sex! I’m thankful for knowing about the freedom of expressing and conversing with my future husband about expressing love in a physical way. What I am not thankful for right now? The wait. I feel like my body is changing because I’m holding it in. Maybe that’s why we aren’t suppose to wait that long like it says in 1 Corinthians, “But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” Lord, it has been made aware to me. From his toes to his knees to his narrow hips and straight up/down abs, Lord, from his collarbone to his shoulders, his elbows and his hands, God, I love him. Blonde, blue eyes and a gorgeous face. He’s been made to attract me nowadays and I’ma burnin’. Beware: Sex appeal. Yes. I’m going to blog. I’ve been typing up paragraphs in my head without literally hitting the keys for weeks…maybe even months…now. Today, after the encouragement of having been able to finally feel like I had some clarity from my quick little bursts of blotting from yesterday I’ve decided the healthy and, not wholesome, decision to make would be: to blog. And, why is it not wholesome? Because its my own thoughts. Some of which are valid and good and some which need to be ignored and cast aside to be burnt with the rest of the trash. Don’t you forget it - not everything is gold. Trust comes with integrity. Don’t uphold your integrity and you lose trust. Dammit. I wish that weren’t true bc I just want to trust you easily. People make it difficult to trust them. Make considerations of how your actions affect others and adjust accordingly if needed. And right now, we need adjustment bc I’m breaking down. My trust is faltering bc of your (lack of) action. Consider me. Please? Do you value your feelings? I push mine aside bc I think they shouldn’t be cared about. The people who care about me follow suit. It hurts because those are the people you love, and who love you. Or so you thought. As someone who loves you they should recognize the importance of the value of your feelings. By following how you push yourself down, they push you down even more. I want him to build me up. Love me how I need to be loved. 
|
